Getting too into my feelings.

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So its been awhile since I last blogged, I’ve kind of falling in love with my best friend brother. Its not her real brother but still they are really close. But I feel like I messed everything up tonight. He asked why am I so nice to him and I couldn’t help but answer with a long sappy girly puppy love text. Its been about two hours now and he hasn’t replied. If I messed everything up don’t know what I’ll do. I’ve never really felt like someone cared this much before. He’s always there to talk, he gives great advice, and I feel like I’ve made a difference in his life or at least I’m something new in his life breath of fresh air maybe. And now that last text just might have ruined our entire relationship. I don’t know what I’ll do if it’s over I really wanted this to work. People say sometimes things just aren’t meant to be, but I know this was meant to be and I was doing so well I was really changing my life and I got anxious and I reacted too quick. Why does this happen to me? Why when I am two feet from being happy I do something to mess it all up. Personally I do not understand why me myself sabotage the happiness in my life. Everyone please pray that this is not it, pray our relationship is not over. Because I do not think I can handle that. The fact that I’m crying right now is not OK. I swear if everything turns out alright I will think my actions over twice before I do them.
Heartbroken Cupcake

Halloween Costume

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Do you know how hard it is to buy a Halloween costume for a plus size girl? I’m sorry I’m not a size 0. If I was I swear I’d wear a bikini all day every day any season. But I’m not. I’m possibly a 12 maybe more idk. Anyways we are going to the club and everyone is wearing a sexy Halloween costume. I cry at night all the time because all of my friends are all skinny. I can’t wear crop tops I can’t wear tube tops.. ugh :’( the most depressing thing ever is being the fatest friend.
I hate making this like a diary but after seeing all the girls on magazines in bikinis watching the Kardashians and they all are super skinny. I just can’t stand it. I cry from insecurities and even my favorite holiday is Halloween and I can’t even enjoy it because now I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been.
Fat Cupcake.

Just one Question

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After dinner this afternoon with my family I just have one question.
WHAT THE HELL IS AN ULCER?
The dinner was going just fine when I asked about everyone’s plans for the weekend my father (whom is the most paranoid,  obsessive,  scitzophranic person I’ve ever known) well he freaked out and was all we will talk about this another time.  Let’s just say the rest of the dinner I quickly swallowed my food and then stormed up from the table. Father pulled me aside and said the problem with my mom was not the double knee surgery she had (part of my pain all day) it was because she had an ulcer. And God told him that she had an ulcer and that was that. Okay so who the hell is God to tell my father that my mom has an ulcer and he can’t tell the doctors. How come he didn’t tell my mother, and I need to know what the hell is an ulcer and whats it do.
This is one pissed off Cupcake.

1 of My Favorite Recipes

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Brownie in a Cup. Its so deliecious. So fast and easy, and I don’t have to share ever because there is just enough for me. If I did have a boyfriend I believe it would be the cutest thing to share, but for now its just a single serving chocolate comfort food.

Brownie in a Cup
1/4 cup of flour
1/4 cup of sugar
2 tablespoons of cocoa
Pinch of Salt
Tiny Pinch of Cinnamon
1/4 cup of water
2 tablespoons of canola oil or vegetable oil.
1 or 2 drops of vanilla extract
1 small scoop of ice cream (for the top)

Put sugar, flour, cocoa, salt, and cinnamon in mug and stir and break up any clumps.
Add oil, water, and vanilla. Stir until smooth. Make sure there are no lumps.
Place in microwave and heat on high. For a minute and 30 seconds.
Let cool for a minute and serve with a scoop  of ice cream on top.

I love love love this recipe.

Just 1 of my many secrets.

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I went to my college dressed as a slut. I showed up to high school being called a whore all the time. Boys thought I was so experienced and girls were so jealous.
Secret number 1. I lost my virginity at college.
That’s it.  A huge secret of my life.  Pretending I was this super experienced slut was something that gave me confidence… My first time was all an act. I did amazing in my opinion and I’m sure the guy thought so as well ha. Deep down I wish I had not needed a slutty alter ego for confidence…. that’s my big secret and now it’s really out and public.
Cupcake

Apartment Wishes…

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So February is coming and I am moving out. I have two good friends, and I have to get out. This is a test for me to the world. A test to my parents, and a test for myself. I’m in hardcore save mode right now and I’m really going to do this. I’m selling a million things on ebay and I’m really trying to get a few extra jobs and hopefully something with tips. Please comment if you have any first apartment tips or financial help :)
Cupcake!!

Bedroom Reflection

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My room is a disaster. Kind of like my life. Clothes are everywhere. Im so indecisive Trash all over. My life is so cluttered. Little kid posters hanging up all around.  I don’t want to grow up, but today that all will change. Its me, Netflix,  and a big trash bag kind of day. I can do this. My mom will be so proud.  I hope. Maybe just maybe if I get my room straightened out my life might clear up as well… maybe
Cupcake

Thanks for answering my prayer…Not

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An elderly couple lives next to me, they have been friends of the family for a long time. My whole family has really gotten to know them and this past year has been really hard health-wise on the wife. She has been in the hospital for a week or so and they knew this was the end but her husband’s birthday is coming up and that’s a big thing in their family.  I prayed and prayed. I put it on my android prayer request app and other people prayed and she died last night.  She didn’t make it to his birthday.  I’m so angry at God actually things just never go right.. screw God. He had the power to fix this and… he choose not to. Way to make my day dark and depressing.

Cupcake

Just not happy.

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I’m just not happy and I don’t know why. Things are always going wrong for me. All I do is cry. My parents scream at each other consistently and it drives me insane. Idk what you think but I know there is something wrong with my brain. I honestly wanna die but I’m kinda afraid of death.  I wanna go to heaven but I think for me hell is the only option left. I wanna run away I wanna be free. And then I look around an realise there is no place for me. No place to go no place to hide. Always on my mind is the dreaded suicide. Maybe it won’t be so painful maybe it won’t be so bad. But then again I won’t be sad..
I’m just not happy and I don’t know why. Why is it all I ever do is cry.

-Cupcake-

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